As Christmas approaches we thought it would be a good idea list some locations for that perfect festive getaway. Or, if you really hate the comfort and joy that the holiday season brings to your reluctantly twinkling house of humbuggery, then we’ve got a few sunny paradises where you can relax and forget about the stress that Christmas brings. Either way, we hope you enjoy our festive holiday itinerary.

Skyrim, Tamriel - Skyrim

First stop on our holiday list is Skyrim, the proclaimed (by me) Lapland of Tamriel. It’s a little known fact that Santa is actually a Nord who hails from this polar country, and he has been spotted many a time crossing the horizon on his reindeer-drawn sleigh to spread joy across all the land. Please note that the increase in dragon activity in Skyrim in recent years may have contributed to the fact that Santa has not been seen for the past two Christmas Eves , and that your travel agent cannot be held responsible if you aren’t lucky enough to see him. Skyrim also has a number of cities for you to visit, such as the fabulously metropolitan Solitude where you can tour the Bard’s Academy or, if you’re feeling gung-ho enough, even join an imperialist military operation to help crush the resistance of the local natives. If you do decide to explore the wilderness, please be careful not to wake any undead and do be aware that death by giant is a very real possibility. There have also been reports of a man going around the countryside incessantly shouting the same three words – you will likely hear him before you see him and locals recommend hiding until he’s gone.

Where are you, Santa?

Rook Islands - Far Cry 3

This location somewhere in the Pacific is the perfect, untamed island paradise for thrill-seekers and adventurers alike. If you like lots of sunshine during your Christmas then this could be for you. History buffs will also be at home here as there are plenty of ruins on the island to uncover – from excavated temples of the indigenous people, to unused World War II bunkers. Please be aware that, for whatever reason, many of the bunkers we never cleared out after the war so it’s very likely that you may stumble across the untouched corpses of Allied and Japanese soldiers. If this does happen don’t worry, in fact many locals will be willing to part with money to get their hands on any old dog-tags you might come across. We have also been advised to inform you that the wildlife here is known to be very aggressive and that it would be a good idea to take an experienced hunter with you if you do decide to explore the jungle. There are rumours that pirates operate on the island, but please don’t let this influence your decision to travel as there has so far been no evidence to support this claim. If, however, you do find yourself being kidnapped and sold into slavery, please note that you are worth far more alive than dead and that neither us nor your travel agent can be held liable for any damages done to your physical or emotional well-being.

Paradise

The Frontier, North America - Assassin’s Creed III

Christmas in the Frontier couldn’t be more traditional. When you arrive you’ll discover a charming, snow-blanketed forest dotted with sleepy colonial villages complete with wood cabins, churches and barns. We’ll forgive you for thinking you’ve stepped into a Christmas card. Optional excursions include learning to hunt, sailing the East Coast and visits to the nearby cities of Boston and New York. You should be aware before travelling that due the political climate between the Americans and the English, battles have been frequently known to break out in the Frontier. If you do find yourself in the midst of one, please do your best to ensure your personal survival by avoiding any crossfire and not standing in the vicinity of a canon explosion.

Like a Christmas card

Banoi, South Pacific - Dead Island

This tropical island has seen a decline in tourism over the past year or so, and we can’t think why. With it’s year-round sunshine, stunning beaches and thriving nightlife, there couldn’t be a better place to escape from the stress of Christmas than Banoi. The sprawling Royal Palms Resort contains a luxury, all-inclusive hotel with access its own casino as well as the numerous pool and lobby bars dotted around the area where you are sure to spend a very messy Christmas Eve. The capital city of Moresby is just a stone’s throw away and, although not ideal for tourists, is a great place to do a bit of shopping and to pick out the perfect souvenir to bring home with you. Banoi has recently been host to a very intricate zombie apocalypse hoax which could explain the lack of tourism, although rest assured that we have your personal safety at the forefront of our concerns when sending you on your holiday. In the rare occurrence that you do find yourself in the midst of a zombie outbreak be sure to remember to arm yourself with any available weapons (oars are freely available around the island) and to always aim for the head. Again, we cannot be held responsible for any trauma suffered on your trip and, after checking with the claims department, can confirm that your health insurance will not cover zombie bites, scratches or dismemberments.

Hungover. Literally.

Silent Hill, Maine - Silent Hill

Silent Hill is famous for its charming resort on the shores of Toluca Lake. What makes this small town perfect for a Christmas break is the fact that recent visitors to the town have reported a year-round snowfall – what more could you want out of a festive getaway? The Lakeview Hotel is a lovely building with a restaurant and bar which will serve seasonal treats throughout your stay (although one unfortunate guest did report being served a plate of pickled light-bulbs) and has easy access to the nearby Lakeside Amusement Park, a great place to take the kids. Central Silent Hill isn’t far from the hotel either, so why not go for a romantic stroll in Rosewater Park or do a bit of antiquing at Green Lion Antiques? You may have heard tell of a cult residing here, but we urge you to ignore these rumours and insist that this fictional cult has no connection whatsoever to the excess of missing persons reports which you may come across in relation to the town. It is also worth noting that the year-round snowfall comes hand-in-hand with an nonseasonal fog that has in the past caused several car accidents. We urge any visitors to the town to drive carefully and, if you happen to see a young girl in the road, do not under any circumstances swerve to avoid her – this is paramount if you intend to fully enjoy your stay.

The charming Lakeview Hotel

We hope that this list will be helpful to you when deciding where to go this holiday season and, wherever your travels take you, wish you a very merry Christmas!

DISCLAIMER: We take no responsibility for any deaths, personal injuries, thefts, assassinations, kidnappings, zombie conversions, mental breakdowns or disappearances that may occur during your trip. If you are in any doubt in regards to your holiday, please consult your travel agent or insurance provider who may be able to give you further details. We also advise bringing a blunt weapon and firearm.